It’s been a while since I dished on celebrities and that makes me frowny face. It seems that any spare time I have to watch E! or flip happily through the pages of People are long gone. Between life as a mom and wifey, work, blogging and running some kind of weirdo cat sanctuary, my know-it-all-ness about vapid celebrity factoids has deteriorated. Well, that’s all about to change as I take you on a wild ride through haircuts, blah, blowouts and babies.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 – I’m sorry, who? I can’t even speak intelligently about this potentially splitting duo with ocho kidlets, because I’ve never watched the show. I have heard that Kate Gosselin has been quoted a bunch because normal women like us (and her) have been requesting her haircut. Not sure if that’s true or not, but Kate needs to walk in Jennifer Aniston’s footsteps on this one and turn the whole haircut craze into pure gold. It’s spiky, soft, dark, light, long and short all at once. Come on, what’s more fun than a bi-polar hairdo?
Jessica Simpson’s Reality TV Show – I’m afraid this one won’t be half as entertaining as Newlyweds, which spawned some of her greatest one-liners ever. “Sorry, I don’t eat buffalo.” This show is about the importance of what’s on the inside as opposed to being judged on outer beauty. No offense, but we all know what’s on the inside – gross-looking, stinky, icky organs and guts. Jess, we’d rather watch you pronounce platypus.
Suri’s B-Day Party – TomKat spent about $100k on Suri’s birthday party. The cake alone was $5k and the catering bill was about $45k. Surprised? Anyone? Anyone? I guess when you have all the money you could ever want from doing movies with a chip on your shoulder and at least one solo running sequence, you can throw a bash like this for your toddler. It will be awesome to see what Suri’s sweet sixteen party will be like. Think about it. If you have to outdo yourself every year with something more extravagant than the previous year, let’s say you have to spend $10k more per year. If my math is correct, by the age of 16 her parties will cost around $240k. And if you nodded in agreement with anything in this paragraph, you need to get help. Seriously, there are clean padded cells waiting for your arrival.
Adriana Lima Gets Fat – The beautiful Brazilian supermodel is expecting her first baby this winter. You’re about to meet the real Mother Nature, Ms. Secret, and she isn’t all that fond of bodies that can rock skimpy bikinis and prance around in a confident non-jiggling way. Say goodbye to fruits & veggies, and say hello to your new diet, muffin tops!
Melissa Joan Hart Gets Thin – I am so tired of trying to keep track of who is fat and who is thin. Why can’t celebs just pick a size and stick with it! It would be so considerate to the rest of us. If you’ve been thin for a long time like Nicole Ritchie or Kelly Ripa, you will be dubbed as “thin” forever, even if you gain like 20 pounds. Anyway, Melissa decided to lose her baby weight and People thought, “Hmmm, photographing a bikini-clad celebrity in a before-and-after weight loss story, what a unique idea!”