Hi. I’m Your Baby, and I Want this Stuff for Christmas.

I’m the sweet, innocent, adorable little light of your life – your princess – and I have needs. Just like you, I desire the finer things in life. A nice crib to yell in. Gourmet foods to spit up. Soft diapers to poop in. Plush friends to boss around. Miracle creams. So this holiday season, here’s my list of demands suggestions that might make me smile. Then spit up.

Dress me in designer duds. My drooling babbling classmates look up to me as a fashion icon. I may be small in stature, but my sense of style is revered throughout the block and possibly the neighborhood. Play dates call for something sporty yet comfortable like this Juicy Couture Baby Velour Tracksuit. It’s only $98. I’m really fond of this Gucci Baby Sneaker for $228. I can already envision quietly taking one off while I’m in the stroller and losing it the very first time I wear it. Fun! And when it gets chilly outside, please keep my tiny feet warm in $50 Baby Erin UGG Boot – pink, of course.

When it comes to the nursery, I’d like Bratt Decor furniture because that’s what J.Lo’s twins have in their room and I’m so much better than they are. Even combined. I want the Chelsea Sleigh Bed and that’s about $1,500. But don’t worry, if there’s ever a huge winter storm and we get snowed in, I can lead us all to safety in my bed. The Discovery channel swears this will happen in the next 100 years. And don’t you dare sleep me on a normal crib mattress. I need a $999 Natural Mat, just like Halle Berry’s kid has – because it’s eco-something. Best of all, it looks like the inside of a Snackwell Cookie. Mmmm…cookies.

We all know German engineering is best. That’s why I’d like a mountain of Baby Dior Silicone Pacifiers. They’re only $45 each. I will lose one every on the hour for about three days. Then I’ll have a whole bunch to play with and then – POOF! – they’ll all disappear again. I’d love to tell you how I perform this trick, but then I’d have to kill you. Sorry. I also need quite a few Baby Dior Crown Baby Bottles – anything with a princess crest on it, you know.  It’s odd that you’re paying $45 for a plastic bottle that isn’t labeled BPA-free. It’s not even glass. Oh, I get it. Ha-ha. Those Germans crack me up.

If you must carry a diaper bag, please don’t make me cry by toting a Looney Tunes monstrosity. You may choose a Petunia Pickle Bottom Chocolate Cherry Cake Society Satchel because the name totally defines everything I love. Chocolate, cherry, cake, society and well…okay not satchel, but you get what I’m saying. This is the only bag I’d like to be seen with, especially in the mall where I might run into one of my cronies/friends/enemies, so just deal with it. Oh, it’s $325.

Let’s see where we stand, shall we? I’m just a baby so my math may be off, but it seems like your grand total is $2.1 million. Okay, now let’s discuss the thread count of my blanky…

If your baby could make a ‘Wish List’ this holiday season, what would it be?