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Top 10 Wishes for Mother’s Day: Gnarly Muffin Tops


I just love watching men peruse the card section at Walgreen’s, trying to find the best Mother’s Day card for their mamas. The surly Larry The Cable Guy in a cutoff plaid shirt buys the beautifully illustrated sappy card with the heartfelt sentiments, while the Dell-looking guy in pleated khakis and a Titleist polo buys his mom the slightly raunchy card featuring a monkey wearing sunglasses or an old lady in a bikini.

I could be petty and wish for extravagant things or I could be totally content and wish for nothing or I could be myself and wish for more wishes. Okay, now I’m just confusing myself.


1. – I wish I liked glitter. Why? Because it is the most popular decorative element on the crafts my kids bring home from school. And due to my hatred for said glitter, those crafty creations always land in the trash.

2. – I wish I didn’t DVR so many shows, because I have like 39 hours of recorded shows that I NEVER have time to watch. Those shows hang over me like a dark cloud – a dark taunting cloud.

3. – I wish I had never heard the term “muffin top.” It was much easier to have them when I didn’t know what they were called. Naming them makes them real.

4. – I wish I exclaimed cooler phrases when I’m excited about something or mad. I say lame things likes, “Holy Moly” and “Are you kidding me?!’ and “Seriously!?!” I also use the words “dude” and “awesome” regularly.  After visiting my sister in Colorado, I’m thinking of swapping out “awesome” for “gnarly.”

5. – I wish I wasn’t addicted to fabric softener. I know it makes my clothes fall apart faster, it’s another heavy thing to buy at the grocery store (which I detest) and it prolongs an already horrible laundry experience. I can’t help it. Gain smells fantastic.

6. – I wish I didn’t have the uncanny ability to hear silent headlocks. I can hear them from a mile away. If my kids get really quiet while playing together, I know someone’s grumpy face is getting squished in the crook of someone’s tiny arm.

7. –  I wish I could open the pantry and/or the refrigerator and cleverly whip up an amazing meal with whatever I find. Let’s have instant oatmeal topped with spicy mustard, a slice of cheese and a jar of pimentos!

8. – I wish I didn’t think “that’s what she said” was a perfect addition to any statement. Michael Scott was right on the ball. That’s what she said.

9. – I wish kid’s movies were lame. I watch Despicable Me, Megamind and Wall-E with way too much interest. I am genuinely sad when the kids get bored and want to turn the movie off early. Once in a while, I finish watching the movie by myself after they go to bed.

10. – In thinking about wish #9, I’d like to wish for a bunch of my own minions. Cute, little, yellow critters who can help do the laundry, clean up cat puke, find missing socks, break up the silent headlocks, etc. I think every mom deserves at least 25 of them, as long as they’re very self sufficient, I’m assuming I don’t have to feed them. If so, I hope they like my oatmeal surprise (refer to wish #7).

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the fab mommies out there. May you get a box full of minions this year….