Navigating the Wild World of Motherhood
I made a joke on Facebook last week about not friending people’s kids. I said something to the effect of my subtle innuendos, jaded perspective and bad jokes would be lost on a child. I also joked about the upside, which would be I probably have the same taste in music as a 10-year-old. Well, until you get into my love of rap music. That should bump the median age up a notch.
Picture it. A dorky mother of two be-bopping around suburbia in a black Mercedes mini SUV (for the mom who can’t park a Suburban) with this music blaring through the speakers. Yes, it’s as pathetic in real life as it reads on-screen. However, my elementary-aged kids think I’m super awesome, so I’ve got that going for me.
I’d also like to add that not only do I listen to these artists constantly, I know every word to every song (including rap) and have been known to poorly choreograph dance routines to said songs. I happen to be watching the 2011 American Music Awards right now and these folks are so not as cool as Phil Collins. And way too tall.
Here’s what’s on my iPod:
Maroon 5 with and without Gym Class Heroes
Flo Rida (also twice)
Black Eyed Peas
Pitball (and lots of it)
Jason Derulo (Omg, I’m making myself laugh now…)
My personal “explicit” faves inlcude:
My sad attempt at “cutting edge” includes:
Far East Movement
What makes me cheesy as heck:
Phil Collins (Sussudio, of course)
As one of my besties would say,”SHAZAM!” What’s on your iPod? Is it even remotely as cheesy as my playlist? Go ahead, thrill me.
“Look at me. I’m wearing daddy’s shoes and I’m naked.” Hysterical laughter errupts.
“Mom, when you wear your glasses, you look like a grandma.” Hysterical laughter.
“Mommy, listen to my new song. ‘I hate you. I hate daddy. I hate bugs. I hate turtles. I hate candy. I hate pillows.’ More hysterical laughter.
“Guess what, mommy? Butt. Pee.” Total giggle meltdown.
I have to admit, being four must be fun because everything is totally hilarious. The mind of my 4-year-old is so interesting and entertaining, it almost makes me jealous.
Sometimes he is actually very funny and seems to have inherited comedic timing, but sometimes what he says doesn’t seem funny at all. And it’s only his genuine reaction that makes it funny. He enjoys laughing at his own bad jokes almost as much as I like laughing at mine. That’s my boy. Tear.
I’m not the kind of mom that gets weepy as my kids get older, but I will miss this tender, silly and highly amusing age. I can only hope he’ll always have that fun-loving spirit and maybe when he gets older, he’ll laugh at my bad jokes too.
P.S. When I kissed him goodnight, I asked him who is the funniest person he knows. He thought for a minute. “Me, mommy!” Of course.
First of all, I’m a HUGE fan of the show. In fact, my husband and I both watched it religiously. We totally freaked out when we realized we missed a show last week. But with all of the fabulousness comes some unfabulousness. In honor of my love for this new show, I will point out its flaws. Just like I do with my husband. Think of it as constructive criticism, NBC.
# 10 – Carson Daly’s smug looks. He always smiles like he knows something really funny, but the rest of us aren’t in on the joke. And it’s something like you have a piece of Arugula in your teeth and he’s secretly laughing at you, but he’s not gentleman enough to point it out, leaving you to look like a fool. He’s that kind of smug.
#9 – CeeLo without sunglasses. It’s just too weird to see his eyes. He looks much cooler with glasses, so there should be a rule about that. It’s like he’s a total rockstar with glasses and just a normal guy in strange outfits without them.
#8 – Twitter updates with Alison. I get the whole “let’s incorporate social media into a live to show to make it appear really live” idea, but it doesn’t work quite right. The room likes a telethon or something. To make it more cutting edge, they should talk about the bad tweets referencing Christina’s crimped hair or her big mouth or her intoxicating personality. Remember, what makes social media real is the fact that you can’t control it.
#7 – Not enough Adam Levine. This guy is a total babe in a bad boy/hottie/rockstar way. You now, like Carson wishes he could be. We need to have more one-on-one air time with him. Maybe NBC could do a “Deep Thoughts with Adam Levine” a couple of times per show. He just looks so adorable in his tight little shirts and tight cardigans and skinny jeans. More Adam, NBC. More. Adam.
#6 – Less theatrics on stage. I totally agree with Blake. Those goofball dancers are totally ridiculous and unnecessary. They’re incredibly distracting, just like the absence of CeeLo’s enormous watches. I did like the performance with Vicci and her drummers, but the shadow dancing is way too cheesy. I also thought the Mad Max-inspired duet with CeeLo and Vicci was like an explosion of Velveeta. Serious cheese.
#5 – Christina’s hair. One of my hilarious friends @WendiAarons tweeted this, “Christina Aguilera’s hair is so pretty. I wonder what it’s made from.“ That pretty much sums it up for me. The only thing worse than Christina’s awful hairdos was the stress her boobs must have been feeling, knowing they could be popping out on national TV at any moment. Those braids – the big one on side and the tiny one on the other – forced me into therapy. They looked like alien tendrils and now I have nightmares about them.
#4 – Too many bald women. If there had only been one, it would’ve been totally neat and hip. But with two beautiful bald-headed women battling it out, they kind of killed each others’ thunder. It’s like when my husband and I get ready to go out to dinner and inadvertently wear the same color, looking like the world’s dorkiest couple ever. I can tell him to go change, but Frenchie couldn’t tell Beverly to go grow some hair real quick.
#3 – The way Carson Daly holds a microphone. He looks like a creepy dude trying to choke a …uhm, er…wait a second. Sorry, already griped about him.
#2 - CeeLo without both watches. In addition to the sunglasses, he should have to wear two diamond encrusted watches at all times. I saw him with one on each wrist in one show, so it was distracting to see him without them. I was thinking,” Poor CeeLo. Is he having financial trouble? Where’s the other watch. Did he pawn it? I’m worried about CeeLo, gosh darn it. Is he okay? CeeLo!?!”
#1 – Lack of a tacky trophy. With all of the glitter, sequins, shadow dancing, costumes and alien tendrils, there should’ve been a huge trophy presented to the winner. How do you know you’ve won something unless you get a crazy, horrific, worthless trophy in the shape of The Voice hand-with-microphone? The first thing that should go through your head after wining is, “Holy crap! I won!” The second is, “Where am I going to put this awful thing?”
In all honesty though, a huge congrats to Javier Colon. I honestly believe he has won the toughest singing competition ever. His duet with Stevie Nicks was epic. Dia Frampton is a stunning, unbelievable star too. My heartfelt congrats to them both! Until next season…
When life hands you lemons, scream like a squatch. What? That doesn’t make sense to you? You obviously haven’t been watching Finding Bigfoot on Animal Planet like we have. We had squatch on the brain during the filming of this video short. I can honestly say alcohol and drugs were not involved either. We were stone-cold sober and just having fun. Come on, parents (and siblings of parents) are allowed to do that every once in a while…
Wanna hear the
real fake real fakereal bigfoot roar?Join Bobo and his friends every Sunday. It’s hilarious.
Last week, we decided to have a picnic at a local park with the kiddos. As I was munching on my salad, I noticed some odd activity out of the corner of my eye. It was shirtless man doing Tai Chi moves right next to the playscape. He was enthusiastically practicing Shibashi postures, sunning his love handles in the process. I nudged my husband and as soon as he turned to see the guy squatting his way towards clarity, spreading his ying and yang, my hubby was shocked. Why do this in front of little kids?
First of all, this park isn’t conducive to adults. It features a play area for small children, picnic tables and basketball courts. Shirtless exercising within inches of said children isn’t socially acceptable in this particular slice of surburbia. My husband’s shock quickly turned into anger as he continued to watch this guy do slow, repetitive movements as small kids ran by him playing and giggling.
After a few minutes of awkwardness, the routine stopped and we realized this guy was at the park with his kid. He called to his child who jumped off the slide and ran towards him. My husband felt better, because it made the guy seem like much less of a potential pervert. He was just a dad getting some exercise. Then again, we were still confused. Who does this?!?
I have nothing against people doing whatever they want in public. You wanna practice your yoga headstands? Fine. You want to do lunges and stretches? Super. But why oh why must you do this on the playground – like literally standing next to a swing? He could’ve easily kept his eye on his child and moved back a few feet to do the exact same thing. Plus, it wasn’t even hot that day. Why do it shirtless?
What’s up with this dude? Would this make you uneasy?
I was fixing dinner when I heard more screaming than normal. I knew nobody was hurt because it was high-pitched, happy yelling accompanied by laughter and shouts. Oddly, when I went to find all of the noise, I noticed it was coming from one location. But the location was moving — quickly!
My boys decided to go for a joyride on my oldest son’s Razor RipRider, which is his most favorite bike ever. He does some seriously cool spinouts on that thing. Anyway, my youngest figured out how to climb on, stand on the back, lean forward and grip the handlebars. I’m not sure which one was dominating as the biggest daredevil, so I’ll give them both the title.
While little guy hung on for dear life, my older son managed to steer with perfect accuracy while totally hunched over. How did he do this? He didn’t hit the wall, the table, the cat, the counter, the fireplace, the couch, etc. Sadly, I’m probably the one screaming the loudest. They seemed totally fine with it all.
What’s the funniest daredevil trick your kiddos have done?
Well, another NASCAR race under my belt as of Sunday. I think that makes the grand total six, not counting two trips to Vegas for Champion’s Week. The hubby & I headed to Dallas last weekend, where we got sit about 17 rows away from the racetrack. At Texas Motor Speedway, that experience will leave you breathless and covered in a thin film of rubber, debris and smoke. As you can see from the image below, the SPEED folks know how to throw a party at the track. , you crack me up.
My first NASCAR race happened in 2007, where I traveled to Watkins Glen for the race when I was about seven months pregnant. Not kidding! I wasn’t the only very pregnant girl there, but I was the only one who wasn’t smoking and drinking. Not kidding again. I wasn’t a fan of the sport at all at that time, but soon began to follow it after experiencing a race in person. It is absolutely something you MUST do once, even if you don’t like NASCAR at all. It’s the perfect combination of order and chaos. Since then, I’ve sat in VIP seats with hot passes, cold passes, pit passes, you name it. I’ve been behind the scenes, in the scenes, nowhere near the scenes, with credentials, without credentials and that being said, I’ve met 80% of the drivers. I’m hooked.
I’ve done you a favor here, condensing a four hour race into a four minute experience. It’s the Samsung Mobile 500. Enjoy!
Let me tell you, as I was taking all of various video clips during my trip to the race, I knew it should have Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” playing in the final cut. However; due to the potential for scary and costly copyright issues, I couldn’t do that. But it’s a fitting theme for my relationship with NASCAR. Why? Because of all of the crap and jokes my non-NASCAR fan friends like to dish out, which is about 99% of them. That’s why it’s a bad romance. I wish I didn’t like it, but I do. And I don’t see us splitting up any time soon. You know why? In addition to my feelings for NASCAR, I have two little boys who also love NASCAR. Hello COOLEST MOM EVER. At least until they’re teenagers.
Did you know the big, lovable guy who goes by name of Santa Claus actually has a mean side? Well, he does. According to my dad, that is. Yesterday, I heard a story from my father that I’ve never heard before. And that’s pretty unusual since he’s in his 70s and I’m in my late 30s. You’d think I’ve heard them all by now.
We were talking about dreams, because my youngest son is complaining about nightmares, when dad told me this hilarious story. When he was 6-years-old, he had his tonsils removed. He said as soon as he went under with ether, he had a horrible nightmare about Santa Claus. Santa chased him, beat him up and threw him off a cliff onto a pile of sharp rocks.
Now that drea is slightly more interesting because my dad is Jewish. No, you don’t need to analyze him and send me a thesis paper about it. What’s crazy is many years later, when my dad was 15-years-old, he had his appendix removed. As soon as he went under the ether again, bad Santa was waiting for him. In fact, Santa said something like, “You’re back?” He said those are the only two times he’s ever had those dreams.
I’ve always been quite interested in dreams and have lots of books about dream interpretation on my bookshelf. I’ve talked about them with The Stir too! My sister and I have talked about dreams a lot and we actually have the exact SAME reoccurring dreams where we open our mouths to talk, and our teeth start spilling out.
My son actually laughed about the dream too and teased my dad about bad Santa. Of course, we reassured him (my son!) that was only a dream and Santa is actually a very nice guy. Hanukkah Harry, on the other hand, he’s a little bit mischievous. I guess my son already knows this because a few weeks ago he woke up complaining about a nightmare about dreidels! Go figure.